A person's speech is often the first gauge by which others judge him. Until they get to know an individual, most will think that what they hear from the person is what they are. This typically is a gut impression that bypasses capability to rationally analyze the situation. It's no exaggeration to say that most people believe what their emotions tell them about each person they meet. That's why first impressions are so important.

Another important aspect of speech is that it can reflect to others what's truly going on in a person's heart.

A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his mouth. (Prov. 12:14)

Here we're told that a particular man has a "satisfied" heart. How do we know this if he doesn't tell us? It's written that we can tell by listening to his speech. Just like a fruitful plant or tree that has fulfilled its purpose by producing something good to eat, this man has produced good things. And out of the goodness of his heart came good speech. There's no doubt that God wants us to bear fruit in everything we say and do.

Am I Misunderstood?

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Speech is made up of words which express ideas. But don't think you can babble on about just anything and expect a listener to understand what you've meant. You might get into trouble unless you remember that it's possible for your words to be misinterpreted. Two people might agree on the meaning of a single word but it's an entirely different matter when many words are used in a conversation. The quality of your speech (tone, volume, accent, mood) and quantity (number of words, speed of delivery) all change the meaning of the words you use. In addition, your emotional tone and style (direct, indirect, tentative, emphatic, flowery) all contribute to what the listener perceives your intentions to be. I recently watched a movie that had a great example of this:

Two young boys on a trip were far away from their home in New York when they had the misfortune of going into a convenience store at the moment it was being robbed. Seeing the heist happening and fearing that they might be shot by the robbers, the boys ran from the store and quickly drove away.
The robbery went awry as gunshots were fired, killing the store's clerk. The boy's bad luck continued as it happened that the robbers made their getaway in a car that looked identical to theirs. Within minutes the boys heard a siren and were motioned to pull over by the police. It seems that eyewitnesses had described the getaway car.
At the police station, the prime suspects of this heinous crime were being interrogated by a southern sheriff eager to see the murderers confess to their crime. In a loud southern drawl, the sheriff said to one of the boys, "You shot the clerk."
The boy, not knowing his car was identical to the robbers, was incredulous. How could this stupid sheriff think he had anything to do with a murder? Shocked and a bit cocky, he retorted, "I shot the clerk?"

While the boy's reply intended to convey the meaning, "What kind of a crazy statement is that?" the sheriff didn't hear it as a question. You see, the boys were from Brooklyn where such use of language is common. Soon one of the boys was booked for murder and the other as an accessory based on the sheriff's understanding that, "I shot the clerk?" was a confession, "I shot the clerk," not a irreverent question asked in Brooklynese.

Communication Requires Relationship

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This section takes us into an enormous problem area--communication. Conversation is talking; communication is passing something from one person to another. Communication can't occur unless there's a relationship between two people--not just any relationship but one of mutual respect and understanding.

Communication doesn't necessarily mean that you agree on the issue but disagreement does not need to affect your relationship negatively. This is because people in relationship don't see disagreement as a reason for questioning each other's motives. Trust has developed because both consider that the other's intentions are good.

No conversation is ever simply a matter of what words are said. Words always stir up feelings. Before you speak, always consider what your relationship is to the person to whom you're speaking. Sometimes, conversations go awry because a discussion takes place in which neither party has a sufficient knowledge of what led to the other's actions.

I recently had such a conversation where I hurt someone's feelings because my words were misinterpreted:

In our local congregation, my wife, Tara, and I serve as overseers for the home group ministry. We regularly talk with the nine home group leader-couples to see how things are going. This particular morning, Tara spoke to Judy, one of the home group leaders about a couple that seemed to us to be struggling spiritually.
Tara told me she became concerned when Judy didn't seem to be willing to tell her the content of a recent counseling session she and Terry, her husband, had with the couple. Tara feared that the couple might be considering leaving the congregation and that Judy was hiding it from her. Tara wanted me to call Judy and Terry to see if I could find out exactly what had happened.
Unfortunately, when I phoned Judy in the afternoon, my tone must have conveyed more alarm than Tara did in her earlier conversation with Judy. Though I didn't mean to condemn, Judy somehow felt my questions concerning the couple were judgmental. She turned defensive and tearfully and said she couldn't believe I thought she and Terry were not loyal to the congregation.

Later when the matter was cleared up, I found out that two factors contributed to Judy's feeling this way: 1. Judy knew that the couple was not considering leaving the congregation. In fact, most of Judy and Terry's session with them consisted of confronting the couple on some unbiblical attitudes they were expressing toward the congregation. They encouraged the couple to seek the Lord about the matter and meet with our congregation's leader; 2. Judy wasn't unwilling to discuss the matter with Tara, though she might have seemed as though she was. Unfortunately, Tara had called at a time when Judy couldn't talk. Though Tara couldn't have known it, Judy was heading out the door to take her kids to an appointment and didn't feel she had the time to explain the whole situation to Tara. Judy's tone led Tara to believe she was holding something back.

So there's the anatomy of a misunderstanding. Tara misunderstood Judy's rush to get out the door. Judy, who felt she had handled the situation with utmost loyalty and pastoral concern, misinterpreted my words as an attack. I meant to convey to her my concern that if a couple was in a seriously bad spiritual state, that Tara and I should know about it so we could discuss it with those above us in leadership.

It's very important to resolve such misunderstandings as soon as possible. The Scripture encourages us in this matter:

Therefore laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. (Eph. 4:25-27, NAS)

During my phone conversation I realized that Judy had become offended at what she perceived I had said to her. Her tears were a sign that she had been hurt by my words. Knowing that hurt can be the first step to creating a relational rift and personal wounding, I had to act. Instead of staying entrenched in my position, the situation called for an apology on my part. What was needed was the peace of God. The Enemy wanted to stir up strife. I've always found the following advice to be helpful:

Try to stay out of all quarrels and seek to live a clean and holy life, for one who is not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that not one of you will fail to find God's best blessings. Watch out that no bitterness takes root among you, for as it springs up it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives. (Heb. 12:14-15, LB)

The Art of Pausing

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Inserting pauses in your speech is one of the most important things you can ever learn, yet it's often overlooked. Pauses represent a short "time out" that allow both the speaker and the listener to improve communication. Pause when you want to find out how someone feels about what you've just said. If it strikes an emotional chord, they'll usually jump in by saying something or by offering some acknowledgment (body posture, expression, gesture).

Pause before you answer a question. This will give you a chance to gather your thoughts and, if need be, to cool down. I love the Scripture verse: "Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (James 1:19).

How Ben Franklin Helped Me

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Earlier in this chapter I mentioned the important differences between words, conversation, and communication. This means a lot to me because I've had my share of being misunderstood. When I see a problem, my natural temperament is to fix it. I call it being an "improver". If I'm not careful, I'll constantly find myself trying to improve things or people. That's not always bad, but it can cause problems when your intentions are misunderstood. My tone of voice and word choice often projected arrogance or condescension to others, rather than my true motives--the desire to help them.

After reading Ben Franklin's autobiography I saw a way to fix this. In his book, Franklin described how he altered his speech to good advantage:

[I had] the habit of expressing myself in terms of modest diffidence, never using, when I advanced anything that may possibly be disputed, the words certainly, undoubtedly, or any others that give the air of positiveness to an opinion, but rather say, I conceive or apprehend a thing to be so and so; it appears to me or I should think it so and so, for such and such reasons; or I imagine it to be so; or it is so, if I am not mistaken. (Editor Peter Shaw, Bantam Books (1982): pp. 11-17)

After reading Franklin's suggestions I determined to change my speech, always trying to improve myself. It wasn't easy. I typed out Franklin's quote and kept it in my wallet. I even added other words to his list. If possible, I would take out the list when I talked to people. Soon my choice of words began to change. People felt better about me. I know I got more accomplished. If Ben Franklin were alive, I'd give him the grade of A+ for his recommendations because they work.

Four Hindrances to Effective Speech

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1. Impulsivity

People who fail to be "quick to listen" and "slow to speak" become impulsive. To undermine communication or damage a relationship, there's nothing as effective as failing to listen by talking too much at the wrong time. I'm sure you want to succeed so learn how to stop your impulse to respond immediately. It's just as important to respond with speech appropriate for the occasion.

Here are a few practical suggestions: If you are in a situation where taking notes is acceptable, do it as a method of diffusing your immediate impulse to respond. Instead of blurting out a response, jot it down on paper instead. If the conversation goes on for some time, you'll have several points so number each one. When it's your turn to speak, take a deep breath (especially if another person's words have made you angry or upset). Then offer a measured response to each of the points you've written down.

If note-taking is out, squash the urge to blurt out by silently counting to ten before you respond. Thomas Jefferson said, "When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred." That's still good advice. It will quiet your spirit and prevent an emotional outburst that you will regret.

Another suggestion that works is to restate aloud the other person's point. For example: "So, you're saying that I've swindled you because the car I sold you broke down?" Then let the party know that you've got some idea how they feel. Say something like, "That must make you really angry."

These responses will communicate four important things to the other person: 1. They will know that you've heard them; 2. They will know you've understood their point; 3. They will feel you have some empathy for them; and 4. They will sense that you've opened the door for them to vent some of their feelings.

These all will diminish the emotional intensity of the situation to give you time to both collect your thoughts and cool down to stabilize your emotions.

2. Insecurity

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Sometimes those who fight hardest to justify their positions are the least secure in them. A position is the side you take in an argument, debate, or discussion. Usually you're expected to defend your position by giving the reasons why you think it's more compelling than the argument of the other side. This typical interchange should be scrapped. It pits two people as combatants in a battle. One will win, the other will lose.

In most occasions, there is no need for this winner-take-all scenario. The issue here is communication. The goal is reaching a mutually beneficial resolution. Here's a suggestion: When you communicate, don't be afraid to look beyond a person's position to consider what their interests might be. Likewise, it's a good idea to ask yourself what you're really interested in. Are you arguing for the sake of arguing? What is it that you want? If you need to employ bravado or drama in your speech then perhaps you should reconsider the validity of your position and/or question your motives. Take time to look inward. It will save you countless hours that you would otherwise spend in pointless argument.

3. Can I Change?

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Most people don't even think about trying to change their speaking habits. If they did pause to think about it, most wouldn't think it was possible. That's because our style of speech becomes just like any ingrained habit--automatic. If you want to improve your speech, first recognize that it can be done, then make sure you really want to change it. Don't despair if you don't see results right away. Give it time. I've found most become discouraged when trying to change speech because it's so hard to do. Yet rest assured that if you make speech-change a high priority it will happen.

Here is my advice: Figure out what you're doing wrong; study to find out how to fix it; and finally, practice... practice... practice until the style of speech you seek becomes a habit. The single thing I found that was most helpful for me was the application of Ben Franklin's advice.

4. Anxiety and Defensiveness

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In tense situations it's not uncommon to blurt out the wrong thing. Few of us can think rapidly on our feet in ideal situations, to say nothing of when we're under pressure. There is no easy answer to the problem of letting anxiety short-circuit speech. Your best bet is to be prepared by practicing what you're going to say.

Defensiveness is like anxiety--an automatic, unconscious response to a threat, conflict, or pressure. To stop being defensive, recognize your "hot buttons"--those events which trigger learned defense mechanisms. Try to break those instant reactions that usually make the situation worse. As long as you're in a defensive mode, you can't think straight because you're running on emotion. You're also on automatic--responding with a pre-programmed pattern of behavior. When the threat is gone, you'll be able to get back to your normal self.

Before you can overcome a defensive reaction you've got to recognize early warning signs such as a gnawing in your stomach, shakiness, hot flashes, sweating, and flushing in the face. Next, you've got to become aware of your unusual response to the threat. Do you lash out, scream, yell or get physical? Do you run away, leaving the conflict? Do you stay put but space out? Do you dig in and try to win? Do you try to distract the other person and act as though their accusations never threatened you?

Once you've figured out both your early warning signs and how you react, you've got some important information. By writing down the instances when you experience these two things you'll create a catalog of your automatic responses. Now you can find out the most important piece of information--the event or word that triggered your response. With this, you are able to change your behavior by halting the automatic response. Your goal should be to stop your reaction the instant you recognize the event which triggered it.

At first, you won't be able to feel early-warning signs in time to stop. With practice, you'll succeed. The easiest way to break the response cycle is to pause. A pause creates silence. This does two things: 1. It puts the burden on the other person to respond and 2. It gives you time to shut down your own automatic unwanted response.

The next step is to learn how to respond constructively. A pause usually doesn't give you enough time to cool down and assemble some choice words of reply so try playing back to the other person what they've just said. That will give you time to assemble a proper response that you won't regret.

My defensive behavior kicks in when I feel as though I've lost all possible impact upon the other person. This frustration triggers early-warning signs: my pulse speeds up... I become physically hot. Then I launch into my attack mode with more aggressive speech. This approach always backfires because my emotions keep me from thinking of coherent arguments. Worse, my aggression triggers a defensive reaction in the other person. Now my problem is compounded since both of our defensive reactions are launched.

If the situation reaches this point, it's best to break it off immediately because such exchange never bears any fruit. Time is needed for things to settle down. Then I usually have to back track with a phone call or a note apologizing for my behavior.

If my experience sounds familiar, don't worry. There is hope. Gradually you'll learn how to control your defense mechanisms. Work on this area. It will help you enormously.