Ten
Commandments for Success
CHAPTER
ONE: UNLOCKING YOUR COMPASSIONATE SIDE: EMPATHY
Moses reacted with anger when he saw an
Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave. He sensed that the beating was
an injustice. In a fit of passion, he killed the Egyptian and
hid the body in the sand (Exodus 2:11).
Empathy is Compassion
in Action
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Though he knew he was a Jew, Moses was not raised as one. His
empathy for a fellow Jew was part of his natural character, apart
from any religious training or personal experience. He was born
with some excellent qualities, yet like a fine triple grade A
steak, he needed to be both aged and cooked on the grill of experience
and spiritual awakening. Empathy is compassion in action.
If Moses hadn't cared deeply about others, he would not have
been enraged enough to kill the Egyptian. Did he do the right
thing? God alone must be the judge. But the Exodus story makes
it clear: God used the circumstances to change Moses.
Identification /
Compassion / Empathy
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You ponder an unfortunate experience and observe its similarity
to other experiences you've had. Such a fleeting perception doesn't
make much of an impact. If Moses only identified instead of taking
empathic action, he would have walked away from the beating muttering,
"Oh, what a terrible thing." Identification alone wouldn't
have the power to propel him to kill the Egyptian.
Let's say you're confronted by a beggar on the street. If this
is a common occurrence for you, you'll likely ignore the beggar
and move on, even if you felt a twinge of guilt. You moved on
because you only identified, not empathized with, the beggar.
The next step to empathy, after identification, is the emotion
of compassion--a more pervasive feeling of sympathy toward another
person's suffering or misfortune. Compassion means that you're
so affected by a situation that you suffer mental and emotional
pain along with the victim. Such feelings usually lead to empathy--helping
the victim.
Compassion is acquired slowly over time by repeatedly imagining
that we're in someone else's shoes and then expressing those
feelings. The important thing here is to express those feelings
to oneself or another. Unless that's done, compassion never develops.
Empathy is the mature development and expression of compassion.
It implies that a person is so fully compassionate that he is
propelled into action. Compassion, when given room, naturally
blooms into empathy. Empathy puts feet to one's feelings; it's
evidence that we care about people. The act might be merely expressing
a kind thought or perhaps a great one, such as attempting to
save another's life.
Am I Empathic?
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This may be more difficult to answer than you might at first
think. Some of what appears to be empathic action is actually
self-serving behavior. Jesus understood this well, noting that
what we see on the outside might not be the real picture:
Beware of the false teachers--men who come
to you in sheep's fleeces, but beneath that disguise they are
ravenous wolves. By their fruits you will recognize them.
Are grapes gathered from thorns or figs from thistles? Every
good tree produces good fruit, but a worthless tree produces
bad fruit (Matt. 7:15-17, Weymouth).
While the example here refers to false
teachers, the analogy is true for empathy as well. What Jesus
is saying is that everyone can recognize a particular tree (good
or false teacher) by its distinctive fruit.
If Jesus had given an explanation of His teaching, perhaps it
would have been something like this: "Unless you can recognize
false teachers and prophets, you'll surely go astray. So here's
how you do it: Look at their students. A good and true teacher
will produce good students symbolized by the figs on the fig
tree. A false teacher produces bad students who have no fruit
in their lives. So look for the treeswith figs on them. If you
don't see the figs, then it's definitely not a fig tree."
Ask yourself: What does the fruit of my empathy tree look like?
The wonderful thing about empathy is that it will be walked out
in real life in a different way by each person. My prayer for
you is that God will show you what it means for you. Let's look
at another gospel story that might help you:
Then He also said to him who invited Him,
"When you give a dinner or supper, do not ask your friends,
your brothers, your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they
also invite you back and you be repaid. But when you give a feast,
invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will
be blessed, because they cannot repay you. For you shall be repaid
at the resurrection of the just" (Lk. 14:12-14). The issue
here was hospitality--taking tangible action to do something
nice for others. Jesus warns us against hospitality that expects
something in return. Likewise, empathy given with an expectation
of some type of response (praise of others, gratefulness, empathy
in return) may be born in self-interest or immaturity. It's generally
easier for most to take empathic actions with their friends,
relatives, or neighbors rather than those they're not in relationship
with. Yet I believe the fruit of mature empathy is understood
through this story: Do it from the heart without expecting anything
in return.
Compassion Vanishes
Quickly
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Be careful not to let compassion deteriorate into inertia, pity
or indifference rather than give rise to empathy. You might easily
sense another's pain, but if you don't act upon your compassionate
feelings, they will eventually fade. The end result will be a
self-centeredness fed by the relief you feel that it's not you
who is suffering.
Judging Shuts Off
Empathy
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Jesus had much to say about the devastating effects of judging
--the failure to suspend immediate evaluation of an experience.
Judge not, that you be not judged. For
with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the
measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do
you look at the speck in your brothers eye, but do not consider
the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,
Let me remove the speck from your eye; and look, a plank is in
your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own
eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your
brother's eye (Matt. 7:1-5).
I've found that premature judging prevents
compassion from becoming empathy. It also blocks the gentle promptings
of the Holy Spirit which often propel us into action. One way
to overcome this is to cultivate spiritual thirst. The more you
thirst after God the less you'll judge others and the more clearly
you'll hear the heart and intention of God for the moment. God
promises that he will "give of the fountain of the water
of life freely to him who thirsts" (Rev. 21:6).
A Personal Example
A few years ago, the Lord taught me a profound lesson about empathy
that I needed to learn:
On a trip to Europe to help raise money
for suffering Jewish people in Ethiopia, I took with me a young
man from our congregation who was suffering from cerebral palsy.
In a Paris hotel, en route to a speaking engagement in Lausanne,
Switzerland which was the most important meeting in our itinerary,
my friend became quite ill. In fact, his spasms became so intense
he could not move.
As I prayed for Rich beside his bed, I sensed the Lord saying
to me, "Take your friend home."
What? How could I? Important meetings lay ahead. People were
counting on me to speak at what would most likely be our most
fruitful meetings. Besides this, I had given my word that I would
come. As I was in mental anguish about making the decision to
follow the Lord's voice--the consequences of which meant that
I'd disappoint and let down others--again, I clearly heard the
voice of God say to me: "Take your friend home."
As difficult as the decision was, I knew deep within my spirit
that I had to obey. It was more important to God that I minister
to the needs of my friend right now than to speak on behalf of
the needs of others. God was challenging me. Did I really believe
that He could work things out? Inside I realized the divine wisdom
of it all: How could I honestly say I cared for people unless
I answered the need of a person right in front me who was crying
for help? So I made the decision to take Rich home. Immediately
after I said the words, "Yes, Lord, I'll do it. I'll take
my friend home," God began to move in a remarkable way.
What seemed to be a Herculean task was being accomplished through
human hands. Unmistakably, God was directing the whole operation.
It was carried out with the precision of a military foray, each
piece of the mission being beautifully executed exactly on cue.
It seemed that a heavenly aroma surrounded us all the way to
the plane and on the entire trip home. Bear with me while I mention
only a few of the tangible ways that God intervened in this situation:
By God's grace, a substitute was found to stand in for me at
Lausanne. He just happened (God's divine providence) to be a
physician--as am I--and he had a son who was now working in Ethiopia
as a physician. I had left most of our luggage and my computer
there with all my notes, but it just so happened (God knew it
all along) that our host was a computer expert who was able to
print out my notes for the substitute speaker.
My host/computer expert was a man in need, so I told him to sell
my lap-top computer (an outdated model by American standards
that still had significant value in Europe) which helped him
to get some desperately needed computer equipment and pay for
the cost of sending our bags back to America. And on top of all
this, our rental car was returned to Zurich at the company's
expense with no additional charge.
These tangible blessings were icing on
the cake of the spiritual blessing I received. I was changed
by this experience--learning life-changing lessons about what
it means to be abandoned to God's ways rather than my own. I
also believe that God in His mercy brought me into the beginning
stages of walking in a new level of empathy.
Three Hindrances
to Empathy
1. Isolation
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Empathy always involves more than one person. It can't happen
unless you reach beyond yourself to another. People who isolate
themselves from others will never develop the capacity to be
empathetic. Believers in Messiah are meant to be with one another
and cooperate together in what Scripture calls, "the Body
of Messiah." This "togetherness" of the Body provides
a safe environment for a healthy empathy to grow. Empathy is
an interpersonal skill. Only by experiencing interaction with
people can a person gain a full understanding of the blessings
and tragedies of the human condition. For more on this, see the
Seventh Commandment for Success (Combining).
2. Over-Intellectualization
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You develop empathy by training your feelings rather than your
intellect. It's fine to study books on how to understand people
but empathy can't be learned by reading alone. You simply have
to do it. Don't let your intellect block your ability to comfort
another person. Those who tend to over-intellectualize every
situation need to rely more upon the Spirit of God. If this is
new to you, take the first step toward this by receiving into
your heart what is called the "infilling of God's Spirit."
This is similar to what happened to the first century believers
in Messiah:
When the day of Pentecost [Shavuous] had
fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly
there came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing mighty wind.
And it filled the whole house where they were sitting. Then there
appeared to them divided tongues, as of fire, and one sat upon
each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and
began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance
(Acts 2:1-4).
The infilling of God's Spirit is received
in the same way that you accepted God into your life--by faith.
Right now, ask in prayer for God to send His Holy Spirit's anointing
upon you. I'll be praying with you, too:
Lord, send your fire down from heaven into
these people. Immerse them with your Spirit, your Ruach, your
wind as you did in the book of Acts. They are asking for more.
Lord, in your mercy, give them more. More of your Spirit. More
power. More love. Give them a refreshing touch right now. And
I ask you this agreeing with them. In Messiah's name, Amen.
I'm convinced that in order to be empathic
in a godly way, we need continual, daily personal revelation
from God. This supplies the power to overcome one's natural lack
of empathy. Over time, empathic actions will follow those who
listen and are obedient to the voice of the Holy Spirit.
God is more empathetic than any person. He loves unconditionally
and is always there for us. His understanding of the human condition
is without limits. God sympathizes with our weakness and provides
comfort; He provides practical solutions to problems. The challenge
for the intellectual is to become more child-like and less analytical--to
respond as a child would-- manifesting the love of God in all
situations.
3. Hurts
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People who are naturally empathetic generally have to overcome
personal woundedness before they are able to successfully minister
to others. Everyone experiences hurts in relationships. Yet natural
empaths tend to be more sensitive to these hurts. Some even develop
a poor self-image as a result. These need a fresh new revelation
of the grace of God--His unmerited favor to all people regardless
of their shortcomings. Only by personally experiencing God's
grace can the fullness of empathy bloom.
Natural empaths must make sure they don't over-relate to a problem.
Scripture urges us to "love with discernment and wisdom"
(Phil. 1:9). The challenge to the natural empath is to bring
their feelings into submission to what God wants--His plan for
the situation. In fact, the only effective safeguard God provides
is the internal witness of the Holy Spirit speaking to our spirits.
I've found that the natural empath can be greatly helped by a
firm foundation in the Scriptures. The Word of God supplies a
fund of knowledge that can be applied to meet the needs of the
situation. Instead of reacting to a situation on feelings alone,
empathic feelings find their true home in the context of God's
Word.
Developing Empathy
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Moses' empathy was unrestrained. Empathy carried out in haste
often produces bad results. Remember: emotions are seldom rational
feelings. They must be controlled and refined by the Spirit of
God who helps us apply His will to our problems.
The capacity to show empathy must become a part of our make-up.
We can develop it or choke it. It's no accident that empathy
is the first of the Ten Commandments for Success. At its
core empathy expressed is love in action. And without love, all
our actions, spiritual gifts, and natural talents are useless.
Developing empathy is crucial because all spiritual ministry
involves the "fruit" of helping other people. "You
did not choose Me but I chose you and appointed you that you
should go and bear fruit ..." (Jn. 15:16). It can be no
other way. For God has set up His kingdom to function by and
through love. It is His will for each of us that we serve the
purposes of God in our own generation (Acts 13:36). In all things,
remember this paraphrase of the First Commandment for Success:
Be and be known as a kind and thoughtful person.
|
Copyright 2000, Gesher,
Robert I. Winer, M.D. |
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